


Return of the Immortal Viking Woman

by merryghoul



Category: Doctor Who (2005), Vikings (TV)
Genre: Accidental Marriage, Arranged Marriage, Community: unconventionalcourtship, Crack Treated Seriously, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Sexual Content, Nudity, Pining, Swordfighting, Temporary Character Death, Vikings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-04
Updated: 2016-06-04
Packaged: 2018-07-12 03:35:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7084003
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/merryghoul/pseuds/merryghoul
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>The Immortal Viking Claims Her Wife</em>
</p><p>Clara Oswald was giddy when she married her friend Me. But fearless raider Me has been gone so long, Me's proud arrogance is the only memory Clara retains of her.  Now Clara must remarry to protect her TARDIS.</p><p>But then, on Clara's wedding day, the conquering warrior returns to gasps of horror and surprise! After all, Me was supposed to be dead, though to Clara's starved gaze Me seems very much flesh and blood...and less than impressed to find her beautiful wife intent on marrying someone else!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Return of the Immortal Viking Woman

**Author's Note:**

> Fic based on the summary for Return of the Viking Warrior by Michelle Styles. For [](http://unconventionalcourtship.dreamwidth.org/profile)[](http://unconventionalcourtship.dreamwidth.org/)**unconventionalcourtship** 2016 and Season of Kink 2016 (prompt: hurt  & comfort).
> 
> Fic contains some references to _The Legends of Ashildr,_ but you don't need to read that collection of short stories to understand what's going on.

The dining room in Clara and Me's TARDIS was a mess. White tulle fell off of the dining room's walls and off the dining room's bar. Hanging decorations, place settings, confetti, and rice littered the floor. Clara and Me lay side by side in the middle of the chaotic floor.

"What happened?" Me rubbed her eyes.

Clara also rubbed her eyes. "Our TARDIS took us to that marriage planet. The one where they're trying to keep an all day and all night marriage show going."

"That's right. That show on Planet of the Weddings called _Newly Wed Tourists._ "

"Where we got married at midnight, that planet's time. Then we invited the cast and crew to a reception in the TARDIS." 

"The reception was wild."

"And then we kicked them out so we could consummate our marriage."

"I did tell you I had a wife centuries ago. She taught me a lot of things that I haven't forgotten." 

"Then we got up and we ended up piloting the TARDIS to...ninth century Norway, I think. Don't think we're anywhere near your old village. We decided to practice Viking sword-fighting for our honeymoon before we go somewhere else. I think we were drunk when we made those plans." 

"Clearly we were drunk when we made those plans." 

Clara stood up and shook confetti and rice off her body. She gave Me her hand and lifted Me up. "Come on. We need a shower."

 

Clara and Me set out to do exactly what they planned to do: shower and then practice Viking sword-fighting outside their TARDIS in Viking-era Norway. The two of them could capably play-fight each other. Clara learned sword-fighting in her travels with the Doctor while Me learned in her centuries of adventure stuck on Earth. 

Their play-fighting attracted a group of travelling Viking shieldmaidens walking past their TARDIS. The Vikings ignored their TARDIS, choosing to see it as a very unusual longhouse. But they did invite Clara and Me to fight with them on a raid to Paris with King Ragnar Lothbrok. Clara and Me told the shieldmaidens to wait for them as they discussed matters in their TARDIS. 

"Getting invited to a Viking raid is a once-in-a-lifetime event," Clara said as the two of them sat down in their TARDIS' bar.

"I know. I'd hear about them when I was younger, but I never could go. My Viking village had too many inept fighters for a raid." 

"That's why I'm letting you go to Paris with the shieldmaidens to raid Paris."

Me blinked. "You're allowing me to go to Paris?"

"I'd go with you, but one of us has to stay here and take care of the TARDIS. And you'd be better at raiding with other Vikings in Paris. You speak the language. Well, I hope you still do. You know, just in case the translation circuit isn't working for you when you get in Paris."

Me nodded. "I can get by."

"You're better with a sword now. You could hold your own as a shieldmaiden. And you know you won't die. It's a once in a lifetime opportunity. Why not?"

Me gave Clara a peck on her lips. "I promise I'll be back for the both of you in June."

Me went into the TARDIS for a shield to take with her to the raid on Paris.

 

The Parisian raid lasted six months. For Clara, those six months without Me felt like they would never end. To comfort her, Clara thought about Me often. She liked to think about her favourite memories of Me: their first meeting in Ashildr's Viking village, fighting against “Odin” and the Mire; meeting again on the "trap" street, when Me was known as “Mayor Me;” the first time they left Gallifrey with their stolen TARDIS. 

Me's arrogance kept Clara from missing Me too much. From saving Switzerland from an Ice Warrior invasion to escaping a cave collapsing around them to betting Clara she can steal a necklace off of a person, Clara could never forget Me's arrogance. And as long as Clara remembered Me's arrogance, she'd never forget Me.

 

A ship filled with a small group of Vikings sailed up to Clara and Me's TARDIS. A man with stringy long hair and a tattoo on the left side of his face stepped out of the boat first, followed by his accomplices, both male and female. When the man with the tattoo approached the TARDIS, Clara ran to its entrance, to prevent the man with the tattoo from attempting to get in. 

"This is a strange longhouse you have," the man with the tattoo said to Clara.

"It's...from the gods." Clara waved her arms out, as if to make her TARDIS seem more divine than it actually was. “This longhouse is a gift to me from the gods." Clara looked up in the sky. "Frey gave it to me because I'm his loyal servant." 

The man with the tattoo laughed. "And who might you be?"

"I'm Clara Oswald...dotter. Clara Oswalddotter." 

"It is nice to meet you."

"I don't know who you are. Would you mind introducing yourself to me?"

The man with the tattoo bowed to Clara. "I am Harald. But they call me Harald Finehair. When my father died, he left me with the many kingdoms of Vestfold."

“Let me guess. My long house is right now is on part of the kingdom of Vestfold.” 

"Correct. Where is your spouse?”

"My spouse went to raid with Ragnar Lothbrok in Paris." 

"King Ragnar has returned from Paris. If your spouse did not stay behind with Rollo in Frankia, I assume your spouse is dead." 

Clara froze. "Where did you hear this?" 

"Word travels fast in our country." Finehair cleared his throat. "My uncle and I swore to kill any and all the supposed kings of Vestfold, these invaders on my lands. But since you are not the king of this territory, you have one option if you are to remain on my lands." 

"And that is?" Clara asked Finehair. 

"You must marry me."

Clara stared blankly at Finehair. 

 

Finehair's men and women became Finehair's and Clara's wedding party. Clara did manage to keep Finehair and his allies out of the TARDIS. She had Finehair's people pitch two tents—one for Finehair and his men, the other for Clara and Finehair's women—so that Finehair and Clara could prepare for the wedding. 

Clara insisted the wedding take place close to her TARDIS. It began when Clara's young male escort appeared to take Clara to where the wedding would be held. 

Finehair decided to sacrifice a horse to Frey before he married Clara. One of Frey's many aspects included horses. Finehair thought a horse sacrifice would honour Clara's "longhouse" as well as encourage fertility in all aspects of their marriage. Some of Finehair's men caught a wild horse and tamed it the day before the wedding.

The attempted sacrifice became Clara's saving grace. The escort freed the horse to let it run around before its sacrifice. But instead of staying near the wedding party, the horse ran into the forest.

Finehair sent Clara's wedding escort to retrieve the horse. He too disappeared for a moment. When the escort reappeared, he rode on the horse that disappeared into the wood. Me sat behind him, covering the escort's mouth with her left hand as she guided the horse with her right. Me rode the horse back to the site of the wedding. 

Clara's eyes followed Me riding the horse, getting her first glimpse of Me in six months. Clara imagined herself stripping Me naked and letting Me get on top of her, doing the same. Then Me would continue showing Clara everything Me learned from her wife, a princess from the Muslim Golden Age. Clara tried not to show her delight at Me's arrival on her face. She failed, but few people in Finehair's party noticed.

Me let the escort dismount first. The escort ran into the shocked and confused wedding party. Me dismounted from the horse. She prodded the horse so it could run away into the forest. Her face showed no emotion as she walked towards Clara. "I know my wife isn't getting married to a man with an unfortunate tattoo on his face."

"Well, I was going to marry him."

Me said nothing.

"And then I was going to trick him so I could get back to you. But I don't need to do that 'cause you're back now."

Finehair laughed. "This is the king of your portion of Vestfold?"

Me gave Finehair a dumbfounded look. "I'm not a king of any part of this land. But I'm Clara's wife."

Clara hid behind Finehair's men. She took a sword and shield from one of them as Finehair and Me continued talking. 

"You cannot be married to this woman. She may be your mistress, but she cannot be your wife."

"I told you I'm Clara's wife." 

"Are you daring to claim that you are a man?" 

"I've had girls tell me I was a boy. I've disguised myself as a man. But no, I'm not a man."

"Then you cannot be married to this woman. And you are interrupting my wedding." 

Clara pointed her sword at Finehair. "No, _you're_ interrupting my honeymoon."

Clara swung her stolen sword at Finehair, and Finehair started fighting her. Me jumped in and also fought Finehair. The fighting stopped when Finehair stabbed Me in her abdomen. Me collapsed and fell to the ground. Clara ran to her. 

Clara bent Me's knees, keeping her feet on the ground, but kept her back still. Clara started ripping up her dress into gauze-like strips. She lifted up Me's shirt and started bandaging her. 

Finehair pointed his sword at Clara. "What are you doing? This woman who says she is your wife is dead."

"I never got a chance to tell you this, but my wife's not dead. She passes out from time to time, but she's not dead." 

Finehair laughed. "That is impossible." 

"My wife went to Fólkvangr once. She nearly started an uprising there. Freyja pleaded for her to return to the land of the living. Since then, Freyja refuses to let her in Fólkvangr, and that's why she can't die."

"Enough of your foolishness, Oswalddotter. Let the woman die. We shall have a funeral for her tomorrow. Then we shall get married the following day."

"My wife hasn't returned from Fólkvangr."

After Clara bandaged up Me, Clara took off Me's bloody tunic. She covered Me's chest with her arms. 

"I said, Oswalddotter, let the woman—"

Me gasped as her respiratory system started working again. Clara went behind Me's back and propped her body up against hers, still covering up her chest with her arms. "You okay?" Clara whispered. 

"It's nothing I haven't felt before," Me whispered back, trying not to move her mouth as much as possible. "You know, you really don't have to do this."

"Aren't you the same person who used to pass out and complain when you woke up, you were alone?"

"Right." Me paused. "I quite like this."

"What?"

"You behind me, warming me. It's a shame we had to take my tunic off because of the blood. And then there are all these Vikings here. I wish we were alone."

"I know." 

"I think I know how to scare Finehair away. I'm going to pretend to be dead. You should show him my stomach." 

Me put on a shocked face.

Clara unravelled the makeshift bandages from Me's abdomen, revealing Me's healed body. Clara ran her hand over Me's stomach. The feel of Clara's fingertips made Me tense up, and in a good way. Me hid how she felt as Clara's fingertips rounded her stomach. "Told you she couldn't die," Clara said. 

"She has ceased to breathe," Finehair said. "Maybe the wound was not as deep as I thought it was, but she is still dead." 

"Or am I?" Me stood up. She smiled at Finehair, then bowed, covering her breasts. 

A frightened and confused Finehair pointed at Me. "If Freyja does not want you in her hall, if you have been saved from death by the gods, we do not wish to anger them. The gods may have this land." Finehair faced his party. "Retreat!"

Finehair and his party went back in their boat and sailed away from Me and Clara's TARDIS.

Clara stopped and let her eyes gaze upon Me's body.

Me grabbed her tunic and threw it as far as she could into the water nearby. She turned to Clara. "Clara, you've got that look on your face."

Clara blinked. "What look?"

"The one where you look love-struck."

Clara shook her head, trying to shake the look off of her face. "Told you I missed you."

"I missed you too." Me narrowed her eyes. "We never finished our honeymoon, did we?"

"I don't think we did."

"Maybe we should finish that. Not out here." Me pointed towards their TARDIS. "Somewhere a bit more private."

Clara nodded. "We should. And then we should go somewhere else."

"I've always wanted to go to the lost moon of Poosh."

"We have to remember not to bump into the Doctor."

Me raised her right eyebrow to Clara. "Of course."

Clara raised an eyebrow back. "Of course."

Clara grabbed Me's hand. She looked at Me. Me looked at her back. They smiled.

"Are we ever going to get in the TARDIS, Clara?"

"We're going right now. Come on."

And with that, the two of them ran into the TARDIS to finish their honeymoon.


End file.
